Aeolia introduces her sisters to a show called “The Golden Girls”. It should’ve been a relatively harmless party activity, but before long everyone is arguing over who gets to kin each of the characters.

All according to plan.

This is me coming through on my threat of writing a fic with my absolutely unhinged headcanons about the Magifolk kinning The Golden Girls. I might end up writing more slice of life stuff with them because it’s just fun to explore these characters who we only see a little bit of during the game.

You don’t have to have watched The Golden Girls to read this, but you may want to know that the main characters are named Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.

Also, to be clear, this isn’t intended to make fun of kinning, fictives, etc! It’s the drama that’s supposed to be amusing.

There was a low humming sound in the room when Ionia walked into Aeolia’s shell house.

At first, she thought it might be the sound of the kettle, indicating that Aeolia had peeked into the future and decided to welcome her sister into her home with a lovely cup of tea. Ionia glanced first at the large dining table in the middle of the room which sported stacks of empty teacups and a plate covered in bread crust which Aeolia hated eating – uncharacteristically messy, almost as if Aeolia had thrown a party and not invited Ionia, which she knew was obviously impossible.

The smaller table to the side, where the refreshments were usually kept, was a lot emptier. Ionia noticed that the tea kettle was sitting under the table, unplugged, and her heart sank. She could really use a cup of tea right about now. Maybe she could make one herself – not that she was very good at it, but under the right circumstances…

“Making yourself at home?” came a voice from across the room.

Ionia froze, kettle in hand. “Oh! Aeolia, dear! You gave me quite the startle! ♡”

Aeolia rolled her eyes. “It seems to be a specialty of mine. I’ll make you some tea if you want – in exchange for you washing the dishes on the table.”

“That sounds quite agreeable!” Ionia chirped, straightening up. “I’ll have this place clean as a whistle in no time flat! ♡”

Aeolia made a small noise – although whether it was amusement or derision, Ionia couldn’t tell.

Her friend was curled up in her armchair, as was often the case when Ionia came to visit. Aeolia was a bit of a hedonist – Ionia thought to herself as she started to clean a teacup with a half eaten macaron in it – which wasn’t really a bad thing, because it meant she had a knack for throwing simply divine parties. But right now, she seemed distracted by something, and even though Ionia had a task to complete, curiosity got the better of her.

“What are you doing?” she asked, as she set the teacup down on the refreshments table. “What’s that you’re looking at?”

“Watching this Happy Box I stole off the back of a truck,” Aeolia replied, beckoning her friend over. “The humans were right about these things. I can definitely see the appeal.”

Ionia walked over and leaned on the side of Aeolia’s armchair. The large box that Aeolia was sitting in front of turned out to be the source of the humming noise. There were some slowly undulating lights on the front of it. All in all, it seemed rather pointless – which wasn’t Aeolia’s usual trade. Not that she would say so – if she was rude to her friend then she might not get a cup of tea after all.

“I don’t understand why you have this,” she said anyway, like a fool who couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

Aeolia’s eyes flicked away from the screen. “Dear, it was simple. I saw the truck parked outside the diner on the highway. It was pathetically trivial to burn a hole in the chain keeping the back door shut and then jump in and take one – if we have this much PSI at hand, we might as well use it! ♡”

“No no no,” Ionia said, shaking her head. “What I mean is, why did you want one? I can’t quite say that I understand the appeal.”

“Alec was telling me about it,” she replied. “The poor old man came to me in a panic after his house was struck by lightning – a rather suspicious occurrence, I can tell you. He suspects that it happened because he refuses to get a Happy Box.”

Ionia raised an eyebrow. “That sounds awful! Is he alright?”

“What?” Aeolia looked confused for a moment. “Oh, Alec. Yes, he’s living elsewhere now. The thing you have to understand, my sister, is that I found his story quite intriguing. Being struck by lightning because he didn’t want a Happy Box? What was so good about this Box that even the clouds in the sky wanted him to have one?”

There was a pause. In the silence of the room, the humming seemed to get louder. Ionia could begin to make out noises in the warbling. It was almost like words.

“…Well?” she asked finally.

Aeolia flipped her hair over her shoulder, and repositioned herself so she was staring directly into her friend’s eyes. “It turns out that it’s intended to distract and placate. And if there’s one thing I love, it’s mindless entertainment.”

Ionia squinted. She could definitely see something there, now, amidst the flashing lights. Shapes, sort of like people, moving around and flapping their mouths open and shut. The words got a bit louder, standing out to her from the jaunty little melody that was playing.

Thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again…

“What’s The Golden Girls?” Ionia asked.

Aeolia smiled, for the first time since Ionia had walked in. “Darling, it’s simply the best show. It’s about four elderly humans who live together – humans, of course, so they aren’t as finely aged as we are, but the antics they get up to remind me so much of us and our sisters. I swear, you would absolutely love it. You must watch an episode with me.” She snapped a finger, and a chair flew over from the dining table, and pushed itself into the back of Ionia’s legs, causing her to topple backward slightly into a seated position.

Ionia looked around, at the still mostly unwashed stack of dishes on the table, then back at the screen. The shapes were clear to her now. There were indeed four women, and they seemed to be rapidly alternating between bickering at each other and hugging.

She shrugged. “Alright, dear. I suppose I can spare the time to watch it with you. What could be the harm? ♡”

“You think you’re the most like Rose? Don’t make me laugh!”

Ionia huffed, and looked away from Lydia, who was wagging a finger at her. “I will make you laugh, darling; it’s just one of Rose’s many loveable attributes that I have!”

“Loveable? Please!” Lydia replied. She picked up one of the several rabbits that were running in circles around her, and snuggled it with her cheek. “I’m the one always taking care of people and other living creatures, just like Rose when she worked in the grief counseling center. ♡”

“Oh, this again,” Ionia said. “If you think Rose is simply ‘the kind one’ then I think you’ve missed out on a number of complexities that the show digs into in the later seasons! As an example, you’re not one to tell a long rambling story that bores everyone in earshot to tears, but one might argue that this is Rose’s most defining characteristic!”

Lydia looked her sister up and down, who at this point had her hands on her hips and had the biggest pout imaginable on her face. “Well. Maybe I’m more like Blanche, then.”

Ionia smiled innocently – and then faltered. “Wait. Why?”

“Because, dear, everyone loves Blanche! ♡”

Ionia’s jaw dropped. “I beg your pardon! This is so typical – it reminds me of that time right around when the humans arrived in Tazmily Village and we both visited to try to make some friends. Of course, you went right in with your ‘kill them with kindness’ attitude, dear oh dear, that poor human with the nosebleed that you simply couldn’t resist trying to heal, only someone used too strong a spell and deceased humans started popping out out of the – hey, don’t walk away when I’m speaking to you, Lydia!”

Across the room, Mixolydia and Phrygia were embroiled in a similar argument. “What is so difficult to understand?” Mixolydia asked. “I’m Sophia and you’re Dorothy. It’s as clear as day. ♡”

Phrygia yawned, then glared at Mixolydia with sleepy eyes. “It isn’t, you see. Perhaps we were watching different programs on the Happy Box? Because anyone with eyes could see that I’m Sophia through and through. The sheer number of episodes wherein she complained about not getting enough sleep is evidence enough.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I do admire Dorothy,” Mixolydia replied. “Her frustration at the world and the incompetence of everyone around her rings true in my heart. She gives out the best advice, but does anyone listen to her? Not once! Actually, maybe you’re right.” She eyed her sister, who was starting to doze off standing up. “You do have a tendency to run your mouth more than I!”

“I’m glad we agree.” Phrygia smacked her lips and started to rub her bleary eyes. “Wait a minute. Run- run my mouth! I never, you- you- morning person!”

“What in the name of the Dark Dragon is going on?” Doria asked. She was watching the rest of the room with apprehension, from the relative safety of standing next to Aeola’s armchair. “I haven’t seen so much fighting since the humans played that game where you kick the ball.”

“I know, right?” There was a weirdly familiar undertone to Aeolia’s voice, an undertone that almost sounded… giddy. “This, my dear sister, is what is known as ‘kin drama’.”

“I don’t get it,” Doria said, grimacing at the scene – Ionia and Lydia now appeared to be moments away from PK Thundering each other. “I mean, I liked the Golden Girls. I had fun watching it. I don’t really feel like I am any of the characters, though. Hey, what are you doing?”

Aeolia was standing up now, and when she turned to reply, Doria saw the sly grin stretched across her face. “Hold my tea,” Aeolia said, handing her a thimble-sized teacup and saucer with a drop of rose hip tea in it, “and watch. ♡”

Doria didn’t move – just watched as her sister walked into the center of the room and cleared her throat.

“Girls, girls,” she announced, and everyone stopped talking mid-sentence to look at her. “I can’t stand to see our lovely party torn to shreds by this insipid argument! No one’s even touched the pound cake I spent a whole two minutes summoning with my PSI!”

The four Magi who had been bickering glanced at each other, embarrassment showing on their faces. Doria narrowed her eyes – she didn’t buy it. If she knew Aeolia –

“Besides,” Aeolia said, her grin growing even wider. “We should all know that I’m Blanche.”

“What?” Lydia asked weakly.

“And Dorothy.”

“But- that- wh-” stammered Mixolydia.

“And Sophia. ♡”

“No, that’s me!” Phrygia shouted, and the tension that had been building up ever since the beginning of the party finally boiled over. Loud buzzing filled the air as PSI spells flew back and forth. The dining table was knocked over. Cake went flying everywhere. Ionia ended up on the ceiling.

The miniscule cup of tea wobbled in Doria’s hand. Aeolia walked over, picked it back up from her stunned sister, and took a long sip from it.

“What a perfect party,” she said, settling back into her armchair, just as a small tiger that someone had summoned rammed into Mixolydia. “But then again, I have never been known to throw a bad party. ♡”